The Impact of Pornography Addiction on Marriage
An Interview with Therapist Jeff King LSCSW
by Jaleh, Yahoo! Contributor Network (click here for link to this article on Yahoo)
Apr 5, 2011
It is unfortunate but in many marriages today face the damage from pornography addiction. To help understand where pornography stems from and the impact pornography has on marriage, I have interviewed therapist Jeff King, LSCSW.
Tell me a little bit about yourself.
“I am I license Specialist Clinical Social Worker and a Certified Sex Addictions Therapist. I have been working with sexual addiction for 10 years and am currently in private practice and started the Centre for Sexual and Relationship in Oct of 2008.”
Where does pornography addiction stem from?
“Sexual addiction does not occur in a vacuum and does not have one single cause. Sexual addiction is a secrecy disorder and when one starts to keep secrets about their sexual behavior then they develop shame. This shame then leads them to behave in a way that is shameful. That is why the primary treatment for sexual addiction is disclosure and group accountability. Exposure to the internet is a common way in which one becomes sexually addicted. Because they start to view things that no one knows about and that they feel shame about what they are doing. The more they keep this a secret then more addicted they become. Most people who call me for help and say they are sexually addicted deny treatment because a part of treatment is disclosure and group accountability. It is very difficult to embark on this process therefore difficult to recover from the addiction.
I define sexual addiction as sexual behavior in which I am harming my self, my family, my social network or my employment.
The reason porn becomes such an addiction is because it has an intensifying effect. Meaning once I see and masturbate to something I must find something more or better and the internet will always have some more or better. Better meaning more deviant (out of the norm).”
What type of impact does pornography have on a marriage?
“Porn is damaging to a marriage because most spouses feel as though it is cheating. It also takes the sexual energy away from the partner and towards the internet. The internet creates a fantasy that cannot be fulfilled by the partner so the addicted partner can only get their sexual needs met via the internet. Therefore sex does not happen in the marriage.”
What can a spouse do to overcome pornography addiction?
“Get into treatment! Both the porn addict and the spouse. See someone who specializes in sexual addiction. I have heard many stories about couples that have this issue seeing a therapist who does not specialize in this area treating the addiction and it only becomes worse often enhancing the addiction. I cannot stress enough how important it is to see a specialist in this area. The couple has to rid the relationship of secrets. Two huge and necessary steps are disclosure and a support group for both spouse and addict.”
Thank you Jeff for doing the interview on the impact of pornography addiction on marriage. For more information on Jeff King or his work you can check out his website on www.sexaddictionhelpks.com.
What is Recovery?
Recovery is a tough concept to get your head around when attempting to heal and overcome an addiction. The question I get most is “I acted-out, am I still in recovery?” (Acting-out in this sense means participating in the addictive behavior again.) The answer is yes. This is a brief introduction to RECOVERY, very brief.
You are not in recovery when you make a conscious decision to make no effort to discontinue your acting-out behavior. Therefore you are not in recovery when you do not want to be. Also, you cannot claim to be in recovery if you act-out, apologize, and repeat. This is where your family, your community, or your spouse comes into play – they are your accountability group.
The accountability of the person in recovery and the accountability group are dually involved. Both the person in recovery and the accountability group are responsible for their roles. Here are a couple of examples of an accountability group not being responsible: I am attempting to get sober, I start drinking and a person in my accountability group says, “he only drinks a beer here and there.” This is not recovery. I am attempting to stop viewing porn and I relapse and my spouse says “it was just that one time and it did not hurt anything.” This is not recovery.
The appropriate response from the accountability partner in both of these examples would have been, “This is not acceptable, change is wanted and there are consequences.”
Most individuals struggling with an addiction, are enabled to continue their addiction because the community and family they are are part of do not hold them accountable and make excuses for them. An addict cannot heal if their family, community or spouse are unwilling to provide consequences for acting out.
Recovery for the addict is this: 1) I always move forward, even when I stumble. 2) I am accountable for all my actions and I make no excuses and blame no one. 3) I accept all consequences for my actions.
You choose recovery, and you do not do it alone.